Except don’t quit your job.

I would be content to forget a hand full of things, but that wouldn’t help me any.
So i’ll continue to brave them, some days more than others. I’ve made it this far, and I’ll make it further, but it’s still hard to come to terms with a few things.

I hardly expected this, and I’m still not sure what to do about it.
But oh, it aches. I promise you that. I don’t realize the pain I still carry, but it’s there. Less, but there. So much less.

Someone told me today that my parents must’ve done a fine job of raising me, because I turned out to be such a sweetie. I think it’s a change in me, maybe. A sign of it. I’m a sweetie, certainly, and have been for a long while - but a difference has swept over me to change the way it happens. I’m not as closed off, I’m not as bitter.

I’ve let that much go, and in that I breathe deeply.

There’s not a whole fucking lot that can hold me down anymore. I’m not letting it. 

I’ve always lived for other people. Maybe not entirely, maybe not fully - but enough so that I’m sick of it. I’ve decided to do something about it, and I have.

I don’t see why I should put up with abuse. With emotional baggage, with stress, pity parties…None of it. Even borderline sexual abuse - why the fuck should I have to? It isn’t my fault. It isn’t my problem. I do what I can, and I am a good friend - but when it becomes a chore, when it becomes my JOB to do EVERYTHING for someone, then I think that’s where I draw the line.

When it means to tolerate being uncomfortable, unhappy, and exceedingly stressed, I think I am justified in cutting someone out of my life.
And feeling relieved after it’s over.

I don’t know where along the line it changed - I don’t know what changed, either.
But I’m done being a pushover like I was. I’m doing it for me. I’m putting myself first, I’m not being as blind anymore.
I’m done with drama, letting people stalk and have their way with me. Letting people control one single thing that I do. I’m done with that.

And fuck, does it already feel good.

Now, if only people could understand I didn’t WANT them…Then I’d be able to stop looking over my shoulder. 

Someone would haunt this place, daily, and it’s kept me caged. Still they linger - but it no longer matters.

I’m decidedly not going to hush myself or hide away from being stalked. There’s no point, and I think I’ve the pride to pull off standing up straight for once.

So, there you go.
Pardon the hiatus, tumblr. 

There’s my own personal shortcoming that I can’t seem to live down. It’s best to accept it and move on; I’ve been ignoring it, for fear of getting sucked in, but I suppose I’ve now realized that it isn’t about that. It isn’t about pretending that it didn’t happen - it’s about accepting what became of a situation, and embracing the outcome for what it was, not what it could have been.

Still, something haunts me, but I know that it’s only myself. I’m afraid to get there again, to be that again - but I haven’t enough faith in myself.
I won’t. I’m beyond that, and I’ve grown in ways I never thought I was capable of.

That’s the truth of it, that’s what I need to believe.

It’s the turning point between what is vulnerable and what is growth.
I don’t think I’m vulnerable, anymore. Not in that way. 

I need to be a little more selfish, I think, but for a while I’ve finally been happy. There’s something small that’s been filled over, and it’s made a lot of difference. There’s a lot less of what used to be in the negative, and I find myself able to…Move on, and get around it. Finally.

But it’s amazing when people can see that I’m finally alright, finally starting to heal over that - knowing that it is not often that I’m pleased with things - and still wish things different so that they could benefit.
Even if I’d be worse off.

I suppose that falls under the realm of things I don’t understand and never will. 

There’s that sense of complexity and completeness I feel I must catalogue, and so I do. In words, I can’t, but I suppose this is a feeling that can’t be expressed in any way other than by feeling it.

There’s a depth and a resonance that I think I feel far, far too early in the day and there with it went any hope of being succinct.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s one of those moments in time where the circle feels complete, and moreso than anything else you’ve actually seen it join at both ends - in all of that beauty - and watch it be whole. And understand why it fits together, seamlessly, and the loop that it makes. 

It’s nice. It really is, don’t get me wrong.

But I just don’t have the energy to keep up with it. Probably just the way I’ve been lately, I don’t know. It’s completely drained me. Normally I’m really very polite, accommodating, and a bit of a push over. Tonight, though…Still polite, still very much accommodating, but ah…A little more sassy, I think, than a *few* people are used to.

I’m quite alright with that.